2016 Top Darwin Awards

Named in honor of Charles Darwin, the father of evolution, the Darwin Awards commemorate those who improve our gene pool by removing themselves from it.


#4      Her Sleep Number Was Up

(23 September 2016, Virginia) Sidney Zelaya Gonzalez, 20, was pinning a king-size mattress to top of a van with the weight of her body, intent on claiming the free curb-side find, when her luck ran out. Perhaps the young woman was testing a physics theory and betting that friction would keep the two fixed in place. Alas, both of them slipped off the moving vehicle and, unfortunately, one of them did not bounce back.


The young woman was nominated for the notorious Darwin Award when it became apparent that she was suffering from a terminal case of bed-head.


The poor judgment of the dearly departed was confirmed when Prince William police spokesman Nathan Probus stated that the van was driven by an unlicensed driver. Police also shared the opinion that "the women were not trying to pull off some kind of stunt," which was true enough.


# 3     iPhone Shocker

(11 December 2016, England) Drop an iPhone into your bath water, no biggie, all you get is a nasty repair bill. But drop a charging iPhone into your bathwater...and suddenly coroners are demanding warning labels. It is with chagrin that this writer, known to bathe while poking at her laptop keyboard, shares news of the explicable demise of Richard Bull and his iPhone. Mr. Bull, 32, plugged his charger into an extension cord and rested the charger on his chest while using the phone in the tub. He received severe burns on his chest, arm, and hand when the charger touched the water in his West London home, which mattered little as he was already dead from heart failure.


Those of us who plug into plugged-in electronics must heed the coroner's warning and take a breather in the loo. The sparky mix of electricity and water is a fact known to all, yet the doctor who conducted the iNquest plans to send a stern note to Apple. Perhaps one more warning label will solve our problem?


# 2.    Masturbator Meets Hard End

(22 January 2016, Michigan) Referred to as a "distracted driver," Clifford Ray Jones, 58, was driving without pants -- without seatbelt -- and with a porno flick screening on his mobile device. Add a wide-open sunroof on a cold winter Sunday, and you have a recipe for disaster.


He should have kept his hands on the wheel instead of the stick. In the wee hours (at 3:40am) Clifford's Toyota went out of control on the onramp to I-75, rolled, and crashed, ejaculating our hero through the sunroof in a spectacular climax to his life. Come and gone, Clifford and his beloved wanky will be fondly remembered in our archives.

And finally, the Winner is:


# 1.    Soaked To The Bone In Yellowstone

(7 June 2016, Wyoming) Colin Mathaniel Scott, 23, was enjoying a graduation vacation at Yellowstone National Park when the beautiful Porkchop Geyser hot spring reminded him that he could use a good soak! But "hot-potting" is a forbidden delight, ruled off-limits for good reason: You will die.


Still, this was a college graduation trip. The Portland resident thought his edjumacation conferred the smarts to know when to break a rule. So Colin left the boardwalk and cruised up a hill in search of a private hot-pot soaking spot. In this area of the park, thin mineral crusts that resemble solid ground conceal scalding water pools! But he avoided these unseen pitfalls and found a secluded spring.


Recorded on unreleased video, Colin is seen reaching down to check the temperature, slipping, and falling into the boiling acidic water. That was the beginning of the end.


Chemistry students will be familiar with the properties of a turbulent hot acid solution. A significant amount of rapid dissolving was underway while recovery workers were struggling with dangerously unstable ground and a lightning storm. When they reached the spring the next day, the water had finished her work. There were no remains remaining! Only a wallet and flip-flops were left of poor Colin.


Park Superintendent Dan Wenk stated the obvious, "This tragic event must remind all of us to follow the regulations." College graduates are no exception. The Darwin Awards sincerely hopes this misadventure will serve as a warning to others -- #YourDeathMatters