It's that time again! The awards this year are classic.
These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual,
who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable
elements from the human gene pool. In other words, only the most anal and
idiotic people and events are selected for this prestigious award.
Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when
he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down
the slope on a foam pad. The 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead
at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 am., the Mono
CountySheriff's department said.Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked
up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from
lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department.
The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently
used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower.
It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the
one with its pad removed.
Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly
in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo
grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying.
Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed
the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.
Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a
stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly
when it fell on him.
"Man loses face at party."A man at a West Virginia party
(probably related to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who used the
.22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap
into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his
lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting
cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M. D. Payne."Another
man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode
it." "It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it
off." Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with
extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area
Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that,"
Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon
man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and
will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right
eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain
Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous)in Grant's
Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the
arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone
1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and
Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw
at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to
10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet
somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that
had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have
killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends had
been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this."
No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's
office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
Now THIS YEAR'S WINNER
(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late)
Sal Hawkins, of the great State of Washington, decided to attend a local
Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets(but
having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop"
over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pickup
truck over to the fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100-pounds
heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend over.
Unfortunately for (the late)Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the
other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing
through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his
arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the
tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. Possibly
figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and
proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. Finally
free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched
his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly
branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse, on landing, his pocket
knife penetrated his thigh. Mr. Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable
pain and agony, threw him a rope and tried to pull him to safety by tying
the rope to the pickup truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken
haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence
landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed
pickup with its driver thrown 100feet from the truck and dead at the scene
from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John
under it half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum,
a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25-feet
in the air. Congratulations gentlemen, you win...
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